1/8
Are you ready? I hope you're sitting because I'm a rambler.
I've been struggling on a daily basis with my mental health since *first grade*. I cried every.single. day before I went to school. I had panic attacks. I would throw up from being so upset. People thought I was faking it. Do you know what that does to a person? Do you know what that does to a child? No one knew what was wrong with me and it took about 8 years of this until I was diagnosed. I would have internal battles with myself at school. I was too anxious to get up during class to throw something in the garbage. I was too anxious to put my hand up when I knew the answer to a question, too anxious to answer the question if I did get called on. I remember holding in my coughs just so no one would "look at me". It was a freaking long journey.
2/8
Let's skip to third grade, my worst elementary year. Let me preface this by saying I am AWFUL at math. Beyond awful. The calculator app is the best thing to ever happen to me. Anyways, my teacher gave us math quizzes where we had to write the answers down in a certain amount of time and then switch with someone to mark our quiz. NBD, right? I started pretending I was sick so I wouldn't have to do the tests, because my anxiety was eating me alive inside. So much so that when the fifth grade rolled around and I got assigned the same teacher I ended up switching schools. Now, I didn't switch schools just because of this but it was totally a factor. I was also bullied. I ended up spending a lot of time alone at recess and lunch, sitting by myself. I was in a constant struggle of wanting break to be over so that I wouldn't have to look like a loser, and not wanting to go back inside and have the anxiety of school. Adding on top of this OCD (I didn't know what it was at the time, and thought everyone did the same things as me) - intrusive thoughts, counting numbers compulsively, etc. It was shaping up to be a rather mentally exhausting childhood.
3/8
Eighth grade hit and the stress of high school was really hard on my anxiety. It was really hard to deal with everything that comes with high school plus undiagnosed mental health disorders. Friends+boys+bullies+classes don't really mix well with anxiety and depression. Ninth grade came and I switched schools again. We ended up moving down the street from a different high school and I had friends there as well. Without getting into the sheer craziness that ensued that year (good and bad), let's just say my stress levels ended up maxing out. Enter ridiculous acne, enter my doctor putting me on Diane in attempts to control the acne. This caused me to gain weight and become more depressed. Through that all my friends left me. They had their reasons, good and bad, but either way that just made everything 1000x worse. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't leave my house. I had no energy and was tired all the time. My doctor put me on anxiety medicine. I ended up dropping out of high school after I finished grade nine. I actually even went to a few days of grade ten, but my disorders won and acted like a physical block. I tried to do my school by correspondence but it didn't end up working out.
4/8
This is when I was diagnosed. Throughout all this my mom was always fighting for me. She was researching things online to show my doctor, she was doing everything she could and being a single mom while she did it. Eventually, I ended up with the opportunity to see a psychiatrist. My town didn't have one at the time and this person flew in a couple times a year to see people. Obsessive compulsive disorder, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, separation anxiety disorder and generalized depression. She put me on a different drug.
5/8
In 2008 I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). "PCOS is a problem in which a woman's hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS also may cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it isn't treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease." It explained a lot of stuff, but obviously wasn't a sigh of relief. They put me on Accutane, which is the craziest drug ever.
tldr; PCOS fucking sucks. You gain weight, get bad acne, grow hair, some people lose their hair, infertility issues etc. Lots of women end up REALLY depressed because of all the issues it causes them, understandably.
6/8
2009. I had been dating Mitchell, and we decided to move to Calgary. We moved into a basement suite and I was going on and off my pills. I don't know if any of you reading this have ever stopped taking your meds cold turkey, but if you have then you know how bad this was. I was in an out of withdrawal from them all the time. I was staying up all night, couldn't work up the courage to get a job, didn't go to school or anything so I didn't meet anyone to be friends with and was barely leaving the basement apartment we were living in. This went on for about a year. I ended up in a really bad place where I started having panic attacks at night. I ended up going to a doctor and he put me on Zoloft. It worked pretty well, a couple years into it I actually went out and got a job. Biiiiig step for someone like me.
7/8
In 2013 we decided to have a baby and I got pregnant (holla for clomid). I went off my Zoloft when I found out and I've been off it ever since. While things are not perfect being off of meds, I feel it's the right decision for me at this time. I still struggle every day. I struggle to get in my car and drive to places, I struggle to leave my house sometimes, I struggle to try and make friends, I struggle to do anything new that I haven't done before. It's definitely an internal battle every single day, but this is who I am. I'm still here and I still fight and I'm still living. That's basically all that matters in the end.
8/8
When you have mental disorders it's not about "getting help". It's about fighting through all your inner demons, staying ALIVE while you do it and then working up the courage to get to the people that can help you. Then usually it's a roller coaster of finding the right drug and the right dose that works for you, which can take years. If you're reading this and you have a mental disorder, take a moment of comfort in the fact that you are NOT alone. I am right here with you fighting those demons.
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